Saturday, 26 April 2014

Those Orphan Moments

You know this.


I am confident of that.
I know this.
But I need to be reminded every day. Actually more frequently than that. I'd say about 4 or 5 times a day. Paul, remind me, what do I need to be reminded of?
I need to be reminded that as long as I am thinking that I won't be happy until...you fill the gaps (the weekend comes, that meeting is behind me, I see her/him again, that awkward chat has been completed, I've bought that book/dress/chocolate cake) I am predicting correctly. I have committed myself to unhappiness until then. But what about all the moments in between? 
I may feel uncomfortable, now, sitting in the present looking at the boring, waiting room moments between now and happiness. I don't want the unpleasant, trudging, unfulfilling, now moments to seep into me, so, I resist them. Recoil away from them like from a bad smell. Holding my breath til a good bit can come along. I distract myself, buy some chocolate, feck about on amazon or facebook ...take your pick.
Here's the bit that surprises me ...every time. There's magic here. It's so not-intuitive that each time I try it, I don't believe it will work.
If I accept the boredom, frustration, angst feelings and welcome them, inhale them and agree with them. "Yes, this is not how I want this moment ...but I accept it, welcome it. I will sit here in the hospital waiting room with it. I will not look out the window to the future-hoped happiness, but will sit here, in this moment. " To the degree that I can embrace this (varies quite a bit - to be honest) to that degree, the tensions, boredom, frustration are relieved.  And I find some measure of peace and presence in the moment. Sometimes,  the new groundedness brings with it a new energy, a kind of simple fullness.
The initial decision feels like deciding to drown, your natural faculties will resist it. Breathe, relax, do it anyway. There are a lot of moments between here and there.
And if you see me, remind me, will you? 

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1 comment:

patrick bobbett said...

Well Mr. B what a choice piece....Really felt like it came from your heart.....well communicated in an original and fresh manner...
It has made me think and also it has resonated with some of the frustrations I encountered ....regularly.....
The challenge for me is to block out less of these experiences by using radio 4 extra....or some audio book and instead walk through them and listen...